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Les limites. Par Anne-Cécile George

Publié le 8 février 2017 à 15:25

 

Dans mes dernières chroniques, j’ai souvent abordé l’importance de la bienveillance envers l’enfant pour son bien-être physique et psychique mais surtout parce qu’elle concoure à un développement neuronal harmonieux. Néanmoins, je n’ai jamais abordé la question des limites qui pourtant tiennent une place essentielle dans l’éducation et qui contribuent à l’équilibre du tout petit.

L’enfant a besoin de limites pour se construire, et la métaphore de la montagne pour l’expliquer semble appropriée (surtout en cette période hivernale). Imaginons une montagne à gravir, un enfant à ses pieds. L’adulte va construire des trottoirs pour tracer le chemin de l’enfant. Les limites. Le trottoir ne sera pas trop étroit, sinon il est difficile pour l’enfant de progresser. Mais il ne sera pas non plus trop large, au risque que l’enfant soit perdu. Il sera ajusté régulièrement en fonction des étapes pour faciliter sa progression. Ainsi il atteindra la Pointe Percée et je vous laisse deviner ce que sera le sommet pour nos enfants. Mettre des limites au petit d’homme, c’est l’aider à grandir, à s’intégrer dans la société, à se construire dans de bonnes conditions. Mettre des limites à son enfant, c’est l’aimer.

Bien souvent, on confond « mettre des limites » avec « taper» ou « crier» (pour ne pas dire « se défouler ») tout comme on confond « être bienveillant » avec le « laisser tout faire ». Un vrai travail d’équilibriste pour nous parents ou pour nous co-éducateurs. Alors que les neurosciences nous apportent la connaissance sur l’importance de la bienveillance dans le développement du cerveau, remettons au centre les autres moyens de dire stop sans confondre limites et violence. Je suis l’adulte, c’est moi qui décide, mais c’est aussi moi qui gère mes émotions.

Jean Epstein, lors d’une conférence, donnera l’exemple très parlant de l’enfant qui joue à lancer son ballon sur le carreau vitré de la voisine. Pour éviter la confrontation, on entendra parfois : « viens ne joue pas à ça, la voisine ne va pas apprécier, elle n’aime pas les enfants », phrase qui 1. Donne raison à l’enfant, 2. Reporte l’erreur sur l’adulte et 3. Revient à dire que la voisine est une vieille mégère qui n’aime pas les marmots ! Il convient de dire « stoppe ton jeu, ce que tu fais n’est pas respectueux, joue plutôt dans le jardin ». Ce sont ces limites qui feront de nos enfants, des adultes respectueux d’autrui et de leur environnement. C’est maintenant que nous devons leur apprendre qu’il est interdit de jeter un papier par terre. Maintenant que leur cerveau est le plus plastique, qu’il emmagasine les informations par milliers.

L’enfant n’a pas à décider pour ses parents car ce n’est pas l’enfant qui met les limites à ses parents : où ils doivent aller ou ne pas aller, ce qu’ils doivent manger ou ne pas manger, ... Au risque d’en arriver à des situations complexes où l’enfant est dans la toute-puissance : « on ne peut plus aller chez tante Geneviève car Loris n’aime pas aller là-bas, du coup on ne l’a pas vu depuis 6 mois » (ce qui est fort dommage car en passant les confitures de tata Geneviève sont à tomber par terre!) « on ne mange plus de haricots verts depuis son arrivée, il n’aime pas ça donc on n’en fait pas, sinon c’est la crise ». Craindre son enfant, ou plutôt les réactions que pourraient avoir son enfant, revient à dire que c’est lui, petit d’homme, qui dictera la bonne conduite de ses parents. On ne demande pas de forcer son enfant à manger des haricots verts mais lui en proposer, sous différentes formes. Réessayer plusieurs fois. Sans non plus cristalliser le moment des repas autour des haricots verts ! Sans rentrer dans le chantage, avec « si tu manges tes haricots verts, tu auras ton yaourt ». Car le yaourt n’est pas une récompense… Il fait partie de l’équilibre alimentaire de l’enfant. Alors quoi ? Lâcher prise. Proposer de manière neutre. L’enfant se fiera aux réactions de l’adulte pour moduler les siennes. Voir qu’un refus de sa part n’engendre que peu de réaction chez son parent, cela revient à laisser tomber.

A la crèche, nous proposons l’ensemble du repas sur un plateau. De l’entrée au dessert. Pas d’enjeux. Comme l’enfant a l’assurance d’avoir son dessert, son bout de pain, ou autre, la tension disparait. Les adultes veillent au bon déroulement du repas. Mais ne forcent pas. Si un enfant ne mange pas, ils ne diront pas « puisque c’est comme ça, tu auras les restes au gouter, et au repas du soir, et même au petit déjeuner ! » (et on pourrait encore ajouter : na ! »). Pas de violence éducative ordinaire. Des limites données avec bienveillance (énoncer les interdits : on ne jette pas les boulettes de pain sur les adultes ou il est interdit de mettre de la purée dans les cheveux du voisin… car oui, l’adulte bienveillant n’est pas un zombie, il sait mettre des limites). Et les enfants mangent très bien !

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